| F9: The Fast Saga (2021) | |
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Rating: 5.2/10 (162,193 votes) Director: Justin Lin Writer: Daniel Casey, Justin Lin, Alfredo Botello Stars: Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster Runtime: 143 min Rated: PG-13 Genre: Action, Crime, Thriller Released: 25 Jun 2021 |
| Plot: Dom and the crew must take on an international terrorist who turns out to be Dom and Mia's estranged brother. | |
I promised not to go too harsh on this film as you should never mock something that clearly was created by a 5 year old, who went through his whole box of crayons (some of which he ate) whilst making it. Somewhere, a mother has a copy of the script of this film on her fridge.
But….
Backstory – I have a lot of love for the first film in the series – Point Break with cars ticked all the right boxes. The second film was average at best, but then came Tokyo Drift and, contrary to popular opinion, I thought it was a great entry to the series. After that, things got wild…
The fourth film began the slow descent into utter preposterous action, and each film since has strived to out-do the previous in ridiculous, physics defying action moments. From flipping tracks, to flipping tanks, to parachuting cars, to bizarre gymnastics at high speeds, it all got a bit silly really, and was as far removed from that first film as you could get. But there was a sense of thrill and an element of fun.
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Now, we have the ninth film in the main series, and all charisma has gone, the plot is little more than a quest hunt for the parts of a maguffin weapon device, complicated with the appearance of Dom’s long lost brother (that this guy so focussed on Family hasn’t mentioned to anyone once in all his life) to make excuses for silly action moments….and the silly action moments are just plain ludicrous! From a rope bridge collapse that is escaped from impossible, to a swinging car around a cliffside, to a whole army shooting at characters with no consequence, to a car with rockets in space seeking a single satellite…..yes, really! The worst thing about it is that the film has characters joking about how they are invincible as they should die from the scrapes they get in – and whilst the film thinks this is a bit of meta fun, the fact is it is entirely true, and as a result there is no danger, peril, stakes, or reason to actually care about the lead cast!
Oh no, they are captured…nah, no worries, the bad guys won’t kill them. Oh no, a fireball explosion wipes out a convoy – oh, no worries, here comes Vin Diesel now, without a scratch on him! This is a franchise in which characters killed off in previous film keep coming back to life….why should I care, and why should I feign surprise when another who died in a firey blaze is now revealed to be living again? Let alone the fact that Han’s return to life is played as though it is a surprise, despite him being on the posters and in the trailers.
The huge problem in all of this is that whilst many of the characters are just joking cliches, Vin Diesel seems to be playing everything really serious…apparantly under some impression that this is a serious film series? With a huge Rock sized gap in the cast (and a Stath sized personality) the rest of the characters seem just a little tepid. John Cena, as Dom’s brother, is a poor substitute – and the backstory of how the brother became estranged has a laughably poor oversight – the young adult versions of the characters are played by two actors, one who is about a foot shorter than the Dom character – yet for some reason he manages to grow a foot and a half to become John Cena! Hahahahaha! Don’t even get me started on Cardi B suddenly popping up!
But Andy, you enjoyed stupid nonsnese like Monster Hunter! How can you diss on this film? – well, at least monster hunter didn’t drag itself out way past the 2 hour mark, and it knew exactly what it was throughout. Fast 9 is overblown, overlong, and overly serious at times, at stark contrast to the utter stupidity on display!
I’ve been fine with the films over the past few entries, but this one had me groaning (and swearing) at the outcomes of every action scene. I’m done with this franchise – I’ll still stick around for Rock and Stath in a H&S sequel, but for this overlong Corona Beer advert, I’m done!
