| Epic Movie (2007) | |
|---|---|
 |
Rating: 2.4/10 (109,544 votes) Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer Writer: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer Stars: Kal Penn, Jennifer Coolidge, Fred Willard Runtime: 86 min Rated: PG-13 Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Fantasy Released: 26 Jan 2007 |
| Plot: A spoof on previous years' epic movies (The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) + 20 more), TV series, music videos and celebs. 4 orphans are on an epic adventure. | |
The story centres on four not-so-young orphans: one raised by a curator at the Louvre (where an albino assassin lurks), another a refugee from Mexican “libre” wrestling, the third a recent victim of snakes on her plane, and the fourth a “normal” resident of a mutant “X”-community. The hapless quartet visits a chocolate factory, where they stumble into an enchanted wardrobe that transports them to the land of Gnarnia (with a “G”). There they meet a flamboyant pirate captain and earnest students of wizardry – and join forces with, among others, a wise-but-horny lion to defeat the evil White Bitch of Gnarnia.
Being bludgeoned to death with a plank of wood. Having the flesh flayed from your torso. Trapping your testicles in a lift door, and the lift then travelling up. All of these things are preferable to ever sitting through this film again! This has to go down as one of the worst films ever committed…nay, shat…to celluloid! Where to begin with a review of such a diabolical disaster of a movie (oh no…just had a flash… the next one will be called Disaster Movie…probably!)
From some of the people responsible for the Scary Movie / Date Movie films comes this ‘attempt’ at mocking the big ‘Epic’ summertime blockbusters, you know like Nacho Libre (small indie film), Borat (indie, and far from Epic), Narnia, Superman, X-Men, Pirates, blah blah blah. The ‘story’ centres around 4 orphans who come together after winning Golden Tickets, and end up entering the realm of Gnarnia. Throw in attempts at parody of various hip-hop tracks, and too many films, and there you have the formula for a film that only a brain-dead cocker-spaniel on acid will love!
I would love to be able to pinpoint what is so wrong in this film, but I can’t. It isn’t that they have crammed too many references to other movies/events/records in, as each joke goes on too long. It isn’t the terrible cast who seem to be trying their best to remember their lines (what little lines they have). It isn’t even the fact that all the jokes seem old and dated (even the new ones are predictable). Nor is it the US specific references that are lost on a European audience. No one of these things is the fault… it is all of these things and more which are to blame.
Such a poorly conceived mess of a script must have taken a deal of skill to craft! Seriously, you couldn’t be this bad if you tried. Even Donald Kaufman’s serial killer is the cop is the victim idea in Adaptation is a better thought out script than this (and if you haven’t seen that film, then go rent it).
Five minutes into the film, once I had already been subjected to a terrible Da Vinci ‘albino’ attack, and the cringe-worthy Nacho Libre skit (heck, even Nacho Libre wasn’t funny!), I was sat in shock at how bad the film was. Why stay to watch the rest? Simply to see if it could get any worse…
…It could!
Once the film shifts to Gnarnia it went from bad to atrocious! It was almost as if the crew had simply given up – except that would hint that they had a decent try in the first place!
Perhaps I am being a tad harsh – there was one moment when it almost made me smile. That was when the Captain Jack Swallows character swaggered in. The mimicry of Depp was spot on…shame that the material he was working with was turgid!
Flashbacks of scenes keep coming back to me like horrific visions of decomposing soldiers in a battlefield. X-Men skits which sucked totally…. cringe-worthy Willy Wonka parodies….. garbage through and through. This film has now dug deep into the darkest reaches of my psyche, and I will awaken each night in a cold sweat as memories of the experience come back to haunt me. For the sake of your own sanity, and peace of mind, never ever watch this film! I mean it…NEVER!
